In My Pocket

Time to write!

"I found the strangest thing in my pocket"

I found the very most strangest thing in my pocket. I cannot even believe how strange it was. It was large and square and seemed a lot like a book full of literary theory, which is strange enough. It gets even weirder though, for when I opened up the book, expecting to see pages full of text from confusing men like Derrida and Eagleton, all of whom are so sure they're correct it is almost enough to make a body sick, there weren't any such words. Instead it was my diary. But instead of being written by me, it was written by me if I had lived my life as a cow.

For example, there was an entry from the day I got my first kiss. But instead of being the real story of my first kiss- which is one worth telling, but which doesn't truly fit into this schematic. Is schematic the right word here? Context? Narrative?- it was the story of a cow's first kiss. It was hardly romantic. As I read the words on the page which said, "Today while mooing and grazing and chewing on my cud all at once I looked up and who should I lay my large brown eyes upon, figuratively of course, but the bull in the next paddock. He is a fine piece of meat, or will be someday. In fact, I think in a couple years he might be butchered and enjoyed by families around America. Such a realization made me question his attractive qualities, for why bother getting attached when such complication will undoubtedly occur. However, my interests were piqued and I could not resist at least going over to moo hello. I trotted on over, in the way a cow trots when excited, and mooed as flirtatious a moo as I could muster. It is a technique we practice whenever possible, for it isn't an easy thing to accomplish. In response to my moo the bull nudged my head with mine. I'm convinced however, that his grass-covered lips touched mine for just a moment. Too bad there's no future for us, for I doth believe I am smitten." I felt extremely concerned and confused and conniving. What is it that I connived? I connived something completely unrelated to the rest of this tale, and so it can be shared another time, just as with the first kiss adventure, which I'm sure you've not forgotten about since it was last brought up.

And so I'm sure you're convinced that this is all pretty strange. I mean, who wouldn't think it odd? But I haven't even told you the weirdest part yet. The weirdest part, is that when I found this book, I hadn't put on my pants yet. I had no pockets.

Wow....did that just come out of me? Please no one read this. Whate'er. Getting published anyway. Clicking the button in three....two....one....